Everyday is checked off

It does seem that years go by between my posts. Odd ...

Yesterday I was told that i am one of 57 cousins from nine aunts and two uncles. I knew it was over 40, but not the exact number. Impressive. When I was young, say 12 and younger, my family, aunts, uncles, and cousins got together at very large family gatherings at least twice a year. It was superb! I have not such a wonderful gathering of family since. Feeling that loss feels big to me.

The main reason that I was with my uncle yesterday was because I learned that my Grandma had been hospitalized. I guess she'd been in the hospital for a couple of days already. My mother hadn't even called me and she'd been to the hospital on Sunday. This is not the first time that my mother has not called me to tell me about some family gathering or emergency. My first clue was my cousin's Facebook post that her Grandma was in the hospital. I called my mother to ask which of my cousin's Grandmas was hospitalized. My mother very casually stated that it was ours. C'mon! It's really very insensitive of her. I drove to my mother's place and, along with my uncle and aunt, went to see Grandma.

Grandma has had a major stroke that has affected the lower left side of her brain as well as her visual and speech areas. She'll be 91 on the 16th of next month. Her sister died two months ago at 92. That left Grandma as the last surviving member of her family. Several of the aunts and I have pondered that Grandma's sister's death may have precipitated her sudden decline and this stroke. There may have been a small stroke a day or two prior to this major stroke. The doctor explained in detail the course of events leading to and after the stroke. I really appreciated that! It is very, very unlikely that Grandma will ever be able to go home, even if she has care. My uncle did a great deal of research to find suitable arrangements so that Grandma will get excellent care, therapy, and be centrally accessible to all him and his sisters. I'm pleased with the locations he's chosen so far because they are close to me. Right now, it's a two hour drive. It is incredibly sad to see a wonderful, severely, adamantly, independent woman. Grandpa died when I was just a young child and Grandma still had to support at least three of the youngest aunts and uncle. She never dated and did it on her own.

It occurred to me that I'd better get working on her will. I have her draft of what she wants, but the complications with so many children and how she wants her hoard of stuff to go is just ... I don't know how it's going to work. Right now it's set up that the eldest (now my mother) pick one [fill in the blank], next eldest, etc. She has a number of George Foreman Grills and other smaller appliances that she wants to be given in what she considers to be an organized manner. Thing is, with that many children and where everyone lives, it's just going to be a circus. I can only hope for the best. I better get that will done so that she can knowledgeably sign it before witnesses.

Being a Grandma, myself, has been fun, challenging, and a real trial of my capacity for patience. The patience I speak of is for No. 1 Son and his girl friend, who is the mother of their two children. So I have a No. 1 Grandson (2 1/2) and a No. 2 Granddaughter (15 mos). I love my Grandchildren and have been put in the situation of having to care for them in my home for the last three and a half months because they were taken from No. 1 Son and his girl friend. My Grandchildren were severely neglected. No. 1 Grandson has been evaluated and is more than 12 mos delayed while No. 2. Granddaughter is at least eight mos delayed. Makes me furious. That kind of neglect is NOT accidental. Online gaming was, and I believe still is, too important to No. 1 Son's girl friend.

I have loved spending time singing so that they both hear the words and tune. Before too long, No. 1 Grandson was actually clapping to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Within a couple of days, he was making sounds while I was singing. Three months later and you can hear he's trying to say the words. He can now say a couple handful of words, not entirely clear, but he's coming along quickly. All he needed -- all he needed -- was interaction with his mom, since she's home all day, and No. 1 Son when he's home from work. The Court has now ordered them into ECFE classes, parental education, in-home education for the Grandchildren, and an in-home therapist who will tell them directly what they did to cause the severe delays their children are experiencing. It just makes me cry.

There are more songs that No. 1 Grandson loved: B-I-N-G-O, ABCs, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Knick-Knack-Paddy-Wack, 1-2 Buckle My Shoe, Home on the Range, Rubber Ducky (Ernie, Sesame Street), I Like Trash (Oscar the Grouch, Sesame Street), You are My Sunshine. I love playing with the Grandchildren. It's fantastic to see them develop and making advancements toward their appropriate age abilities. I believe they'll get there, but it won't happen if their mother simply leaves them alone while she plays games all day.

I think I'm filled with too much worry, stress, and anxiety. I have to make an appointment with the doc to discuss how I'm doing with the meds, my thought patterns, and treatments for chemo brain. I lost another job. I just don't know how to get my brain to work the way it used to!

Man, it's been a while ...

It's been a very long time since I've blogged here. A lot has changed in my life. A lot of good things have occurred. I'm not in remission from advanced breast cancer, but I can say that I am enjoying life and feeling pretty good. The Hubby and I have made it, so far, intact. He's had moments of returning to prior behavior that was so destructive. All in all, I'd say that 99% of the time, The Hubby is the person he committed to himself to be.

I think we all have our moments of being inconsiderate. Those lucky enough to say so find out that they are able to resolve and correct those inconsiderate moments, salve the hurt we've caused, and find ourselves in an even better place in our relationships. I think it's important to know that we are all human, after all, and we're all going to have moments where we are inconsiderate to the person/people we love. The key, as we all know, is to own up to our own BS, take steps to help undo the hurt we caused, and for crying out loud -- don't keep repeating the asinine behavior. The repeating is what destroys relationships and causes hurt that never heals. Had to get that off my chest.

I've picked up a lot more humorous Tweeters and have put myself out there a great deal on Facebook. I post, generally, anything that is going on. And, yes, especially anything that's funny. I also post about what's going on with my cancer because that's really what got me going to begin with. I wasn't sure how that was going to go, but it really was and has been the primary friend connection for me.

I've also had a serious going out with my sister. Believe it or not, she actually convinced people she had cancer and was going to die in two months. Other than trying to collect on a phone bill that is seriously overdue, I've decided not to have anymore contact with her. I do believe that some things are just not forgiveable. Her behavior definitely jumped into that category.

OK, so I said it before, "anyway," time for me to run.

Cancer - the last nail in the coffin?

Well, it's been months, literally, since I last posted. The single reason is that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Both breasts and the lymph nodes in my right arm pit, neck, and central-chest area as well as pockets in the chest cavity. Enough cancer that doing surgery prior to chemo would have been fruitless. I'm staged at IIIC, although I see several sites that only go from IIIB to IV -- which would put me at a IV. Either way, it's not good and has not been good.

I've completed the first round of chemo in hopes of reducing or killing the cancer. The first round lasted eight weeks and was correctly called "The Red Devil." No one can prepare you for how you're body is going to react to the poison. Some have barely a reaction; some feel like death is pounding on the door. I was much closer to the second. It was horrid. Amazing pain. The works. If you want to have your spirit tested, and mine certainly was, I have a suggestion for you. I wouldn't recommend the cancer part, though that is probably a primary ingredient for the test, eh?

I'm now in my second round of chemo, which lasts for 12 weeks. Depending on when I get my next PET scan, I'll be done the first-third week of March. The side effects from Taxol aren't nearly as bad as The Red Devil. I'm seriously tired and still get body aches. I've also developed acid reflux which caused the lining of my esophagus to shed. That was unbelievably painful! My plan is that that symptom will resolve itself with the completion of chemo.

Joe, The Hubby, has been amazing. Andreas, #1 Son, had a hard time, but he's been terrific in helping me get to appointments and keep a sense of humor while making sure that no question is overlooked. We've had some very serious talks over the last few months. We try to laugh a lot. It helps more than you can know. I have taken very funny pictures of my head, which is completely bald. Joe doesn't think those pictures are nearly as funny as I do. What do you do?! Gotta get a laugh anywhere you can and I certainly can laugh at myself - even now.

Come March the surgeries really begin. I'm looking at a double-mastectomy, right ophrectomy, as well as the removal of whatever lymph nodes remain cancerous. I'm hopeful and keep telling everyone that MY PLAN is that the cancer will be gone. A miraculous recovery. I'm game!

More realistically, I'll start the process of getting my New Boobies and the long, continuing process of fighting, recovery, and radiation. Along the way, I've been trying to be a much better friend and communicator. I even set up a Facebook page. Shocked? I know! I am working on my hobby (fingernail design/painting, etc.) and trying to get pleasure from that. It's hard to work, but I have to in order to keep income coming in. Unfortunately, this didn't help my depression one single bit and I suppose, naturally, it wouldn't.

I did get to ride two-three times during The Red Devil days. I took pictures as proof because it was unbelievable that I could do it. Now, keep in mind that my rides were just around here where it's 25 mph. I did have one ride to see Joe for lunch and it was something like 32 degrees. It was fantastic.

I'm looking forward to spring. Things will be changing for the better - I know it! and I'll be trying to get some rides in as much as I can before and between surgeries.

I guess that's it for me. For now. I feel all updated and comfy in my little place in the world. Turns out that that's a pretty easy thing to do.

My Riding Buddy, the bastard that moved to MKE (all jokes except for the moving part), did give me money in payment toward the loan I gave him. I am very pleased. I honestly was feeling pretty stressed the past few months as there was less and less contact. It's hard when you start to lose contact with a friend. I know many of my friends have said the same of me as I've struggled with the death of my dad and the loss of my daughter in my life.

So, we sat and talked for several hours. I feel bad that he didn't actually leave for MKE until 5:30 -- a six hour drive. We even talked for a few of those driving hours. Just as he was about 20 minutes from home -- oh, yes, he could see the light at the end of the tunnel -- he gets a call to help out at work. I got a call around 5:45 a.m. this morning that he was *finally* going home. But, guess what? He needed to be back at work somewhere around 9 or 10 a.m. I forget the actual time he said, I was half-asleep. Heck, I think he was half-asleep the short drive home.

Anyyyyyyway, we are planning to do a bike trip this October - the weekend of the Twins last game of the season, last home stand, and last game in the Dome. Riding Buddy doesn't have a bike presently (I mentioned he totalled his rocket last June), but will be selling his truck, paying me off, and buying a bike with the remainder. I'm really excited for him! He's going to look at a cruiser - damn, I love rockets! - which he believes will keep him on the straight-n-narrow. Uh-huh. It's not the bike, Riding Buddy, it's the rider. But, I digress. If he can't buy a bike, then he'll be driving over here and we'll take my Aero. Our plan is to go straight in one direction (N-S-E-W) for one day, stay the night, and then take a roundy-bowt route back. I'm really excited! He's also already trying to guilt a coworker into joining. The guilt trip is because the coworker complained that "Duluth is cold in October." Yeah, we know. We live in the vicinity. Of course, I couldn't resist the Golden Opportunity to test this guy's riding commitment. I told him that he's a baby, a whiner, asked him if he wants to be a rider, and, finally, to suck it up, Barbie!

I'm anxious to have something so fun to look forward to. It is important to have things to look forward to. Things that make you smile - not only everyday, but also when you look backward and forward.

Would you believe that when I told The Hubby the plan, he didn't even respond other than to say, "uh huh." Still, that's a whole world away from, "No, you can't go."

Later gaters and fellow Bike Riding comrades!

This has turned out to be more than an a "see you in a week" post!

Since my last post, my hand/wrist went down hill and FAST. I've had my next hand/wrist surgery, No. #2 Daughter has nixed me from her life (I can't tell you just how painful that announcement was), No. #1 Son lost his job and got another, and Kahteryna broke a molar that Dr. Jon had to remove in a hurry. Whew. What a few weeks it's been.

So, to start out, I am no longer The Semi-Bionic Biker Chick. I actually enjoyed that moniker I'd made for myself. Guess I will have to go into my TCMC (http://www.twincitiesmotorcycleclub.com/) profile and change that. Damn, it was cute. I don't think I can call myself The Former Semi-Bionic Biker Chick. Just doesn't have the same funny bend to it. At any rate, all of the metal in my arm/wrist has been removed. Two days after surgery, I'm not kidding, I was back in aggressive PT to get functionality back to Franken Arm that had been lost previously. Another positive sign that changing doctors was spot on. I am not allowed to tussle, wrestle, chop wood, do cartwheels, and most importantly, *not fall* for at least six weeks so that the now present open screw holes in my radius and ulna heal. After that - what - all bets off? I know, that's not funny. But, it is funny!!!

My MKE friend and former riding buddy came to town this weekend. He needs to give me some money to pay back my loan to him after *he* had a motorcycle crash last June and was unable to work for a couple of months. He was trying desperately to get me to relinquish either of my bikes for his riding purposes (he wasn't able to replace the bike he totalled). Under normal circumstances I would, but I told him that I'm not allowed to fall - which means that I don't want to be unstable. He, of course, pulled the "Don't you trust me?" line. "Of course, I do," I replied, "but if I can't ride my bikes, you sure as hell isn't going to!"

Next spring, I'm going to be riding all over the place. Who knows, if I really get things going really great, maybe, just maybe, I can get back on the Aero before the end of this season. It's not realistic, but I'm optimistic. I still think The Hubby is opposed to my riding, especially since he's not going to be able to join this love of mine - and he's certainly not willing to do creative finger nail designs on his own hands -- but I can see that he struggles to keep his opinion to himself. If he'd been successful in his biking, I think he'd feel differently. I did push him on fixing the Drifter, but he seems opposed. I don't want to be pushed into fixing it myself, but who knows. It's too gorgeous of a bike to just let sit -- and it's a fabulous ride OMG!

So, The Hubby is out golfing in the gorgeous weather we have today and I'm waiting to hear from my MKE buddy so that I can see him off (and get money!!) on his way back to MKE. That will be sad. It's always sad to see him go because he's a ton of fun and he was my first Riding Buddy. In the meantime, I've been sitting here trying to work (got to bill hours!), but my network connections at work are all disconnected making it impossible to get my work done. Sheesh. I guess, though, that gave me the opportunity to get this update done. Not too shabby after all, eh? Off I go - hopefully the network will be repaired soon and it's time for me to do my exercises.

Take care all and I'll see you soon :o)

Cutting the string ...

I guess my "Come to Jesus" meeting really worked on #2 Daughter. I called the school on the 28th to see if she'd done what she needed to do. I asked for some "good news." Nancy, the secretary, told me that I'd be *very* happy with the news she was about to share: not only had #2 Daughter completed all of her detention and paid her fines, she'd even completed the past due assignments that she wasn't going to get credit for anyway. I was already sitting, because I was preparing for the possibility of getting bad news, but now I was about to start crying. She did it. Every single thing she needed to do - she got it done in the last month. She came in before school and stayed after every day. I felt proud. Nancy told me that #2 Daughter won't admit it, at least not now, but I have an effect on her and it's good.

I called on my sister to gather her brood and attend graduation ceremonies to impart our love to #2 Daughter. I figured that even though she gives all appearances of utter contempt toward me, I want her to know that I was there. I think that, years from now, she'll remember that I was there and that I've loved her every single day. I think that's important for her to know. How many people are going to love her her entire life? I don't think that at 18 she realizes just how few that number will be.

So, we attended graduation ceremonies and The Hubby was really crabby. I even told him that I was having a very hard time liking him right then. I hadn't been able to ride in over a week, so it's not like I'd been able to go do fun stuff that I really like. I know he didn't want to be there and doesn't feel the need to support her. That was part of what made me angry and really sad. Down the other side of the gymnasium, the Sperm Donor (ex-husband; biological father - you get the idea) sat with his parents. Sperm Donor doesn't look all that great after all these years. Too bad, so sad. {There's all this sudden venom spewing from me, sorry folks! Comes from too many years of being with him and fighting to get away with my kids.}

The ceremony was a bit corny and I think that the kids really enjoyed certain parts. Once completed I watched as #2 Daughter practically ran for the door instead of joining in the recessional. My sister asked permission to try to find her. I told her to go for it because #2 Daughter isn't going to be sticking around to talk to me, that's for sure! Well, after wondering around our very small high school for about 35 minutes, down the sidewalk comes my sister with #2 Daughter in tow. How about that! I almost started crying again -- she has no idea how much I love her. So, I took several pictures of #2 Daughter with my sister and her brood. I asked for a picture of her with her cap and gown on. After a fuss, she agreed and I even took a picture of her diploma. YES - she got it and I have proof. I was again feeling very proud. I asked to have a picture with her and my sister begged her to do it "for her." I got pissed and said that the picture was for *me* and, well, that didn't go over well even though it was the truth. After that things just didn't go well because #2 Daughter put on the I have a disgusting, evil mother bit for everyone. I decided it was better for me to leave too and so I did.

My sister and brood came back to our house and we did a mini tour of the chaos that is our house in construction mode. It was funny and embarrassing. After about an hour, everyone headed out and it was quiet again. You know what, I ended the day smiling and laughing even though it seemed like the day after my birthday it would be a rotten day.

Now, officially, I'm a year older - and more years than most people think, which I think is funny and quite enjoyable. I'm getting going in my PT, working hard to make my quota at work, rediscovering my husband and his new outlook on life and marriage, and wondering how my riding is going to shake out. Oh, I'm also getting many doses of laughs from my Twitter pals. You have to take your laughs where you can get them!!

See everyone in about a week or so.

Believe it or not ...

It's been quite some time since I set this little blog up. Here I am. I've had a really bad few months. We found #2 Daughter - just a week before Christmas. That Saturday, I had a "play" date with my nieces to take them shopping for Christmas. The nieces are old enough now that buying anything really seems silly when they just want to spend money. So, I told them how much money they had to spend and we had a good time. It was weird though because #2 Daughter had only been home for two days and, so, she was brought with. I wasn't going to leave this young woman, who was clearly a stranger to me now, alone in my house. Sorry folks, that's the way it is. Anyway, I bought her a hat and a "hoodie" which she seemed to appreciate. It was weird. She'd been gone for nearly six months.

She turned 18 in January, which I'd been warned was the turning point and she would be moving back to her biological father. What a kick in the ass to her dad (who adopted her), my husband. She didn't move, turns out. He didn't have the resources to move locally (thank god!!!) and we certainly weren't willing to cart her to his city. You have to set some boundaries hard-n-fast.

So, about a month ago, she left again. This time, some very dear friends of mine showed up to my door about four minutes after I got home (I'd seen them parked up the street). They announced that #2 Daughter would be moving in with them. I asked them if they knew what they were getting into - they are my age and have never had children, or nieces/nephews from what I've been told in the six years I've known them. No, they didn't. Well then.

Last week I received a letter from the school that #2 Daughter might not graduate if she doesn't pass an elective class. OK, an elective class. I went over to friends' house to talk to #2 Daughter and found out that I was being "supervised" by my friends. I guess I no longer consider these people to be my friends. I didn't think that my daughter could manipulate people that'd been watching her goings on for the last six years. I was very, very wrong.

So, I'm writing in here now to kind of work on getting myself back to where I belong. My marriage and #1 Son have definitely suffered through all of this, not to mention the grief from my father's death last June.

I'm back on my bike - so that's a plus. It's hard work, but it makes me happy -- and still a little scared. I think a dose of healthy fear is good for me (or anyone, for that matter) anyway. I'm also working on being a better mom, friend, and employee. The whole wife part is coming. It's hard to get reoriented to a marriage that was damaged from numerous misdeeds. I don't know if it's possible, frankly. I think I have to just very slowly allow myself to be open again. I think that's what love is all about -- letting go of your safety net. When you get hurt, you restring your safety net and pull yourself into it blocking yourself away.

That's it for now. I'll try to keep myself going on this because it is therapeutic :o)